“TAKING IT TO THE LORD IN PRAYER…AT LAST”
Do not be anxious or worried about anything, but in everything [every circumstance and situation] by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, continue to make your [specific] requests known to God. (Philippians 4:6 AMP)
My first blog ever… the need to write down what was in my head and my heart came to me during one of my many sleepless nights.
As I write this, I am on a doctor’s highly-recommended sick leave for anxiety attacks and depression. It was God’s gentle nudge for me to give Him control of my life. I trusted God, or so I thought. Yet I’ve always felt that I had to be the strong person and hold everything together, or die trying. Why couldn’t I let someone else take control? Why couldn’t I let God take control? He hinted at it often enough.
I lay in bed during the night trying to count my blessings, a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) action to help me sleep. Instead I found myself counting the many “hats” I had been wearing, upwards of 17. These didn’t just include the obvious - wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, but also the causes, volunteer jobs, and worries I had taken up over the years through my inability to say no or my reluctance to hand things over to God.
Sometime ago, I recall listening to a television preacher whose motto was, “If it’s going to be, it’s up to me.” Wanting to “help” God, I took on all the causes that came my way, extra tasks at work, charity work, filling in where there were no volunteers, etc. I was always rushing in and saying, “It’s okay God, I’ll handle this. You go do what You need to do.” What audacity! What blasphemy!
In addition to all those duties, I was dealing with my husband’s illness and unemployment, a wedding, the illnesses and stresses in our family, cancer diagnosis of two friends, and the death of a close relative. It seemed to be one incident after another with the weight getting progressively heavier with each addition. Until, I couldn’t breathe and ended up in the emergency room.
It was at the bottom of this pile of “hats” that I had gotten lost. Though I knew that in my head, I had difficulty transferring it to my heart. My identity was tied to what I was doing for others at the neglect of what I needed to do for myself. I kept identifying myself by what I thought I was doing as a “good” Christian instead of being secure in God and allowing Him to lead my steps.
It was through the weight of all these “hats” on my shoulders that God forced me to bow my head. I had to become weak in order for God to build up my strength in Him and not myself. I had to acknowledge that I was not the one to fix the world. So, while I thought I was giving God my all; I was emptying myself in “activities” and losing myself in the process.
I have spent much of my time-off reading the Bible and sitting in prayer. I am learning to relinquish control to the only One who can handle it all and to truly know that He is in control, and I’m not. I am understanding that I can help when He wants me to, but I can’t take on the world.
I have taken to heart these words from the Casting Crowns song, “Just be Held”.
“Hold it all together... Everybody needs you strong ...But life hits you out of nowhere ... And barely leaves you holding on...And when you're tired of fighting... Chained by your control... There's freedom in surrender... Lay it down and let it go ... I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held”
What an incredible God!
I can just stop doing what I was doing and just be. Now, I realize that the best way for me to serve God is to let go, stop, allow His peace to come over me and be served for a change. I am learning to allow God to direct me where He wants me. He has forced me to rest so I can give Him my best when or where He calls me to serve. It was in giving up all my activities that finally made clear to me that my main tasks right now are to pray, ask for forgiveness, and let Him heal and love me.
By: Bev Charles